What to Do (And Not) When Someone Comes Out to You

Pride glitter in a rainbow

Let’s be clear: coming out exists because you assumed we were cishet until we told you otherwise. Coming out exists because invisibility is erasure. Coming out exists because our current society deems anything outside of cis-heteronormativity1 as “other” at best and “deviant and condemnable” at worst.

In his June 25, 1978, Gay Freedom Day speech “That’s What America Is,” San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk2 asked every LGBTQ+ person to come out. He did not side-step the harsh realities of coming out and linked it directly to what coming out is: a political act.

The political is the personal when your personhood was not included in your nation’s founding laws. When your humanity and rights are debated and legislated in the public square3, you face the real consequences. Civil rights are not a cutesy problem of wedding cupcakes and websites. It’s the economy, stupid, when you can be fired from your job, evicted from your home, denied medical care, and a thousand other pieces that allow a person to function in society because you’re queer or trans.

Milk correctly identified that “There will be no safe ‘closet’ for any gay person” under far-right fascism. There is no “acceptable” way to be queer to cishet bigots.

I’ve come out to a lot of cishet people over my life.4 I’ve been violently outed. I’ve had cishet people shrug their shoulders and not care. I’ve had many cishet people be shocked. I’ve been called every anti-LGBTQ+ slur and dragged to conversion therapy. I’ve been out for the majority of my life, and I still too often brace myself for the worst.

In my experience, cishet people, even those who consider themselves allies,5 do not know how to behave when people come out. So let’s talk about that.

Continue reading “What to Do (And Not) When Someone Comes Out to You”

I Hate Coming Out; I Am Out.

Rainbow pride flag with they/them in front of it. Photo is by Katie Rainbow on UnSplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/90bg59HzXxE?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink

In my novel, my main character is outed by his sister to the rest of their family at their father’s funeral. It’s not that the MC’s completely closeted when the novel starts: his friends know, his one sister and young nephew know, and of course, the people he dates also know. Additionally, I outed him and all my other fictional main characters on Twitter, so we’re always future-proof on my writing.

The novel is not a coming-out story for many reasons, including how I’m tired of them personally. But my biggest reason is that I hate coming out. I hate coming out, almost as much as I hate the misrepresentation of my identity. Continue reading “I Hate Coming Out; I Am Out.”

Wrapped in Rainbows: An Inclusive Robot and Real Progress

Roger Mozbot, Moz's mascot, gets a new Pride look.
Roger Mozbot, Moz’s mascot, gets a Pride look.

Last Friday, in the wake of the Supreme Court decision that legalized marriage for all adults regardless of gender, Moz was one of the brands who decided to rainbowfy their social media icons.

Now, you might be surprised to learn I wasn’t behind this decision. I am one of the community team members, and yes, we’re responsible for social media. Instead, my manager Jen, with a thumbs up from our CEO Sarah, made it happen. The rainbow was all done before I was even in the office. Or had a cup of tea.

For the most part, Moz’s community was very supportive. However, a few community members and a handful of customers complained. They spoke to typically “arguments” about gay marriage — everything from it being political to outright saying they disliked queer people and yes, the illogical jump to sex with ducks. (Don’t worry, it’s a humorous music video.) Poor Roger even had his sexuality mislabeled. He’s asexual because he’s a robot!

I am the community team member who’s point for responding to “situations that require escalation” aka when someone’s having a freakout, legit or otherwise. And I could talk about how I responded, what I did as a representative of the brand, and what I really wanted to say to those particular bigots.

Instead, I wanted to share about what it means for me — as a queer employee — to have my employer publicly support my civil rights and stand for something. Continue reading “Wrapped in Rainbows: An Inclusive Robot and Real Progress”

Sprinkles Around the Web: April 15th Edition

Sprinkles from around the web

I decided to add “equality” given that I do read a lot of articles with intersectionality that cover stopping a lot of -isms, and they are all equally important. As always, these are links that I found interesting and you might too.

Me

Books Nominated for 2013 Hugo Awards!
Woohoo! Chicks Unravel Time & Chicks Dig Comics were nominated for The Hugo Awards. Big congratulations to the editors, all the other writers, and everyone else involved in the production and love of these books. 🙂

Cute Animals

Black and White Friendship Story of a 4-Year-old Girl and Her Cat
Yep, pretty sure I was exactly like this with my cat as a child.

Entrepreneurship

The Skills Most Entrepreneurs Lack
Very interesting.

Equality

Donglegate: Why the Tech Community Hates Feminists
One of the best articles I’ve read about the larger messages and lessons from Donglegate.

How to talk about a woman’s looks
Yep, even President Obama messed this one up.

To my daughter (should I have one)
A lovely thought from my friend Susie. Continue reading “Sprinkles Around the Web: April 15th Edition”

Sprinkles Around the Web: April 8th Edition

Sprinkles from around the web

Things that I found that were interesting around the web. Your mileage may vary.

Me

Erica and Jacob in NYC
Jacob and I in NYC at the castle in Central Park.

4 Lesser-Known Conferences That Deserve Your Attention in 2013
Heck, yes, MozCon got a shout-out! 🙂 Plus, quote by me.

Introducing Moz Reader!
I love working for such an amazing company like SEOmoz. I’ve been so bummed about Google Reader shutting down, but guess what, we stepped up and created the Moz Reader! I’m really thrilled. (If you’re wondering where I was, I was in NYC instead of in the video.)

Cute Animals

Adventure Kitten Gear
Okay, REI wins with the adorable as they have all your adventure kitten gear.

Baby hedgehogs
OMG baby hedgehogs have giant ears!

Entrepreneurship

On Not Mourning Your Failures & Overcoming Burn-Out with Brad Feld
On how to think more about your life for the long-term as an entrepreneur.

Fandom

Anything That Loves: Comics Beyond “Gay” and “Straight”
Definitely an awesome Kickstarter for a comic anthology about romantic love that goes beyond “straight” or “gay.”

Continue reading “Sprinkles Around the Web: April 8th Edition”

Sprinkles Around the Web: Big O’ Link-ing

Sprinkles from around the web

So it’s been a while — too long — since I’ve made one of these posts, which means, I’m going to just do a link dump without my usual explanations so I can hurry things along and get to the new stuff. As always, what I like, you may not like.

Me
by me

quoted / photoed me

Continue reading “Sprinkles Around the Web: Big O’ Link-ing”

Happy National Coming Out Day, Friends

Me at Gay Pride with GeekGirlCon friends. (I'm Wonder Woman in the middle.)

Today I’ve been pondering a lot about two conversations I had yesterday with two different friends. Conversations that were intense with feelings and deeply personal and all about coming out and being queer in America today.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m queer (bisexual, pansexual, bi-romantic lesbian, insert your label here) — for those of you who’ve known me for years and didn’t know, I’m a little shocked too (in that you didn’t know) — as I’ve been out for 13 years. Out to the varying degrees that one is in varying different situations and settings. The first time I came out may have been to my childhood best friend, a few months after he came out to me; but when everyone assumes you’re straight, coming out never ends. A toast to all those brave enough to come out and a wish of bravery for those who haven’t.

Yesterday, my first conversation was with a queer friend, who’s more recently come out. We chatted about dating; about the women that we love but live so far away; about family, those who love us, reject us, are in the middle; about being out; about those kindred spirits who befriend us and those who knew long before we could say it; about conversations with others — who we’d never talk to about “those issues” — that left us wondering; and about the wonder of just being who we are, no apologies or remorse. Our emotions went on the roller-coaster from laughing to regret and sadness to happiness. But I was always glad to have someone to talk with, someone else to understand.

My second conversation was with a straight friend, who’s a big ally. Our conversation was more about the personal being political, about the R74 vote (gay marriage in WA). We talked a lot about how the two-party system in the US doesn’t have any real political differences, except when you get down to the “you’re a baby killer” (pro-choice Dems) and the “you’re a bigot” (anti-gay rights Reps) and how deep a nerve that hits. Nerves that run way deeper than “let’s argue about tax policies that we probably don’t fully understand.” About the privilege associated with being able to pick to vote on the economy, taxes, or who’s sexiest. About this article, which is essentially the story of really understanding that privilege and maybe choosing not to vote on the economy.

We’re a nation of storytellers, and this is part of my story. This is why when I’m not alone, writing in my apartment, I may get incoherent. This is why I get angry and why I might get upset with you. I truly do believe that everyone has the patriotic duty to vote and that everyone should vote for the candidate who they think would do the best job. I believe that political differences are healthy and debates should flourish to be more than incoherent rantings. I believe that both Obama and Romney are running from President because they love America and believe that their ideas are the best for the country, which is an extremely American thing to do. I don’t think I should get so mad I want to cry when trying to explain why I’m passionate about “queer lady issues” as a queer lady.

I think a lot about what’s happened since I came out (the good, bad, and in-between). I think of how my mom told that she didn’t want me to be gay because she didn’t want me to get hurt by the world. I think about how in these past 13 years, I couldn’t imagine not being out and how uncomfortable I’ve been in situations where I’ve chosen not to speak up. Civil rights are the personal as political. And today, this is what’s happening. This is me.

Sprinkles Around the Web: Sept 20th Edition

Sprinkles from around the web

Interesting stuff I found around the web.

Me

Chicks Dig GeekGirlCon
A great review of GeekGirlCon ’12 from Sheena, who was on the Chicks Dig Comics panel with me.

Comic Books

Captain Marvel: DeConnick on Carol Danvers and the comics industry
Captain Marvel is beyond awesome.

It’s Barbara Gordon-Meets-Nancy Drew In Adam Watson’s ‘The Batgirl Mysteries’
Full of love for this. Continue reading “Sprinkles Around the Web: Sept 20th Edition”